Totally Fictitious Fight Between eReader and Paper Books

People seem to be one or the other on this subject. Some scoff at ever reading a book on an electronic device. Others point and laugh when they see someone reading from the outdated print style books. So I thought we might look at the argument from a perspective that we have forgotten about...the books themselves. So here they are, talking themselves up, eBook and Paper. (Hence forth known as E and P)


P: As you know the eBook revolution has come to try and knock me off my long standing throne as the primary way to read book. I tell you I will not stand for this.

E: Yawn. I'm bored even looking at you, with your dog eared pages and torn corners.

P: Yeah, and your paint scrubbed off, cracked from being dropped, look is soooo much better.

E: Hey at least people can spruce me up with a cover. What do you do, fall apart?

P: (ignores the slight) At least people can read me whenever they chose. I never run out of battery at a crucial moment in the story.

E: That hardly ever happens....

P: Riiiight...

E: Speaking of running out, that's what your readers have to do every time they want you. Run out. Not to mention long waits in line, or the disappointment of discovering the last copy of the book they wanted just walked out the door ahead of them. Nor, do they have to deal with the snooty clerks who always seem to be judging their reading choices. They can sit at home, click a button and POOF there I am, ready to be enjoyed. And, for my shy readers, they can read the steamy books without having the world know what they are reading. Unlike you with your brazen, half naked people on your cover.

P: Yeah, but not in the bath.

E: Excuse me?

P: They can't read you in the bath. If you look at water wrong, you're going to explode.

E: There are cases you can get to make eReaders waterproof.

P: Really? That's coo–– I mean...yeah, but you have to pay extra.

E: Speaking of cost...aren't you more expensive than I am?

P: Sometim––

E: And don't you kill, like, thousands of trees? Dude, not cool on the environment.

P: Yeah, like the factories they use to make you are soooo clean.

E: Not too much different from the factories they use to turn trees into paper.

P: (concedes but doesn't want to admit it)

E: And I take up much less space. How many bookshelves do you have anyway? Seriously, you're getting to be an eye sore. Look at all the dust you collect.

P: At least I'm always there. One wrong drop and you're toast. Oh, not to mention the upgrades. Isn't there a new version of you out like, every five minutes?

E: (says nothing)

P: That's what I thought.

E: But look at all the amazing authors readers will miss out on if they stick to you. Lots of people and publishers are going to eBooks only. You only offer a limited selection. And when was the last time someone offered a print book for free? You can get free eBooks all the time. That negates some of my cost...

P: And least people can still read me if the electricity goes out.

E: Which happens all the time *rolls eyes*

P: And what would you do if the electricity went out and never came back on? I mean you would be a worthless pile of junk. People would still get to read me.

E: Or burn you for warmth.

P: Whatever, you just don't have an answer. The only thing you would be good for is something to throw at the zombies.

E: Zombies?

P: Well something had to make the electricity go off.

E: If you're going to be ridiculous, I'm outta here.

P: Don't let the proverbial door hit you on the way out, it might crack your screen...

E: Oh don't worry P, I'm here to stay. You just don't want to admit it.


At this point I had to separate the two. It was getting ugly.